A break in the tranquil, a ripple across my calm surface. Her beauty is like blasphemy. Because until now men only worshiped models. Idols with forcefully sculpted attractiveness. Her mind is an insolvable labyrinth, complete with both secrets and sorrow. The way she moves gives me motion sickness, because she possesses the eloquent grace of a summer breeze. Gentle. Yet so violent in bare presence like staring wide eyed at the sun during mid day. I’m stunned. And I need to ask her what she sees in me, if anything. And if that something is nothing, is nothing still something to her? Because that would be good enough for me. She’s innocence if I ever saw it, in a crazy world mixed with lovers and dreamers and others mistaking emotions for erotica. But really, maybe we’re both lost, just looking at each other wondering if the other knows the way home.
If you ask me how I am I’ll tell you I’m alive, because I’ve been through some shit that got me feeling dead inside. Where my demons reside, can’t kick them out, they have a lease to finish. But I know by the time they’re gone I’ll see my own soul diminish. It’s alright because tonight I’m trying spread my wings. Close my eyes, take a breath, find my voice and learn to sing. A cigarette between my teeth to help blow the pain away. I’m black and white and if you were here tonight you’d be the shade of gray. I don’t wanna fight, I’m packing my bags before I miss my flight. I’m hurting now but I know in my heart that ill be alright. Drop my number because I won’t be calling home. I’m telling you so you don’t wait by the phone. If you do then wait for someone else because I’m not worth waiting for. It’s time I worked on myself so I prefer to be alone.
[R]eleasing [A]nger & [N]egative [T]ention II
Peace, love and poetry. But I swear antarctica isn’t as cold as me. I’m no “G,” no I don’t own the streets. But for a lot of who I am, I do owe the streets. Because hip-hop taught me the value of poetry. But now the industry’s dead, it’s all bogus, B. Greed, opposite of philanthropy and a whole lot of hypocrisy. A thug dreams going from underground to aristocracy. It’s all beyond belief, minds too far to reach. Supposed to find a way out of the struggle but kids embrace the streets. I remember back in the days of baggy jeans, every homie around the way was packing heat. Kids rolling out like a navy team, determined to knock the others off their feet. Beat or taste defeat. The hood was never for the weak. We got in fights like every week, silence would never last. Once a body was found in a bag, right by the school, left for trash. Life changes fast, I’m just tryna keep up. My act I gotta clean up, best believe I gotta sweep up. So I’m trying to take a lesson from all this stressing. Trying not to sink into depression. Any feelings, I suppress it. I’m trying to make it through this recession. Progression is slow, but I know that I’m progressing. Leave all my possessions and pray I don’t regret it. My mind is overweight yet anorexic, lack of intellectual discussion. Most I get is women talking about bitches, that or steady cussing. That ain’t nothing, I need something. I’m still hunting, but still nothing. I’m turning twenty but got worries plenty. Will I make it out or keep counting pennies? I’m too conscious, maybe they just ain’t ready. I’m like Katrina, they’re New Orleans, I’ll break through the levies. My thoughts are heavy, I need a crane to lift them. They say I’m mature for my age, I just say it’s wisdom.
The memory of you lingers like the glow from a lone street light. On in the day, on in the night. Unneeded, but there just because. Not because it has to be, but because sometimes the labor in such a task is futile. So I guess you’ll always be here. Either to light the back alleys of my thoughts, or cast more shadows upon the weathered walls. You are welcome here, to come as you are.
It’s a trip to watch the rain drip from the windowpane. Shit, really why do they call it windowpane? Is it because we feel the most pain by Windows? Shit, I should’ve got a Macbook, kept things simple. Lately my worries just triple, I need a break, just a little. Especially when this life is like a riddle, I’m done trying to solve it. Every time I attempt it, I just end up with more problems. I’m trying to stay an honest man, but things ends up complicated. I could never contemplate it because it’s more that what I anticipated. Obliterated, relationships are devastating. My mind, women leave desolated so my thoughts are all dissipated. I hate it. Shit, I’m stuck like constipation. I even checked my zodiac and the constellations. I’m out of graces. I’m out of luck and I can’t take it. Lord give me mercy or some kind of compensation. I’m looking for sunshine but all I get is rain, and frankly I’m tired of waiting.
Still counting raindrops.
Appreciate all little things. Acknowledge and learn to appreciate the smallest of victories, such as waking up in the morning. You may have been fortunate to do so, but some others may not have been. Tomorrow, someone else might not be as fortunate. Plan ahead only for as far as you can walk in a single day. If you keep waiting on tomorrow you might never get the chance to live a day in your life. Breathe. Tell yourself you are beautiful, believe it. Then tell someone else. Learn to use your words. Make peace with yourself.
Wash, rinse and repeat for as many times as required.
I love the way you look at me, hate the way you judge me
And I want nothing from you, I just want you to love me
Make me feel significant, place nothing above me
I love the way you sound, everything so lovely
I’m curious to know what it is that you see in me
What do you see of me on the outside, tell me what you believe
Because I know we all see things a little differently
We’re all seeds fallen off from different trees
You really can’t compare like a metaphor or a simile
When it comes to people there is no such thing as perfect symmetry
You and I are not the same, no we will never be
That’s what makes us beautiful, not enemies
But perspectives can be rather selective
Subjective, pertaining to material and objective
In the end we’re all human so we’re subject to error
Some times our eyes can play tricks like a house of mirrors
And some times the game is not about the player, rather if you play your cards right
Lose your focus for a moment, you might lose it all in a side swipe
“Beauty is admitted through the eyes, acceptance is offered through the heart.”
Pardon my aggression, it comes with the depression of suppressing emotions and second guessing. Myself, I never learn my lesson, I been feeling lesser than the culprits of nine-eleven. Ain’t that something. Fly a plane into my brain and put an end to all this stressing. I’m tired of recollecting, I get the message. I’ll never be good enough, at best I’ll come second. Particle perfection, the part of me you neglect so I’ll never be your selection. Staring at my reflection, upon further inspection I realize I only craved your attention. Too late now, my feelings have been succeeded by emptiness. Those with smiles on their faces, I envy them. I was chasing a Kodak moment, dreaming and hoping I can keep it golden. But there’s no point when I can barely hold it. I’m freezing and it’s summer, it’s a bummer, I could love her but not as lovers. Halfway to perfection, regret heard in my stutter.
She sings lullabies, I write soliloquies. She says she feels for me, but I don’t need her sympathy. Cry me a symphony. And say hi to him for me. She used to sing me to sleep, but now her tears keep me awake. Like that one nightmare that I dreamed, and now everything’s starting to break. This is the part when things fall apart. So many broken hearts and a whole lot of scars. Sincerity smeared on the windshield. Only fear lives here, nothing else has been real. Pour a glass of liberty, get a taste of how sins feel. Roll clip, next reel, that heart was a real steal. And my iron will is made with real steel, but her sex appeal makes my skin peel. You ever kissed but hated the aftertaste? Smoke on your lips during a masquerade. Holding her hips while the masks parade. She’s sucking your dick and you blast her face. Grab her waist, saying you’ll never give her away. But you never cared for her shame. Don’t know her story so you ignore her pain. Prefer your hands clean but you’d let hers stain.
I’m feeling kind of drowsy, I think that I am outtie. Picture my self on the freeway pushing on an Audi. Engine revving loudly, I think I finally found me. I been high for so long I need something to ground me. Girls passing, I say howdy. My skies are looking cloudy. But being a leo that I am, I do all that shit proudly. I think I should be crying, the inner me is dying. I’m still good inside but then again I could be lying. I’m not denying. I’m sick of trying to make sense with rhythmic lines from my hollow mind. Contemplating space and time and god’s design. On the grind for bread and butter, fruit and wine. Countless times I’ve caught myself looking behind. Driving myself to ruin, I can see the signs. Deaf man pretending to be blind, I never take advice. Caught in these thorns and vines, now I’m paying the final price. Staring down the barrel of the gun, learn to walk before I can run. It isn’t anybody’s fault, I got too close to the sun. //navk.